Sorry.

How fitting that Halsey’s latest music video for one of the songs that has made me the most emotional due to how scary accurate it represents my life. She took every single emotion, word I every wanted to say, thought I ever had and sang it into my soul.

“I’ve missed your calls for months it seems
Don’t realize how mean I can be
‘Cause I can sometimes treat the people
That I love like jewelry
‘Cause I can change my mind each day
I didn’t mean to try you on
But I still know your birthday
And your mother’s favorite song
So I’m sorry to my unknown lover
Sorry that I can’t believe that anybody ever really
Starts to fall in love with me
Sorry to my unknown lover
Sorry I could be so blind
Didn’t mean to leave you
And all of the things that we had behind
Oh. Oh. Oh.
I run away when things are good
And never really understood
The way you laid your eyes on me
In ways that no one ever could
And so it seems I broke your heart
My ignorance has struck again
I failed to see it from the start
And tore you open ’til the end”

When it comes to dating (which I know I suck at but hope to improve) … I tear myself apart and stow away every piece of me with walls towering over each piece away guarding it. The thing is … sometimes I don’t even know my own password to let those guards down. They don’t listen to me.

And so it takes someone brave with patience to use their hands and manually painfully pull each guard down.

Sometimes I get emotional and I get lost in my own words. And people will call me crazy, unstable.

Or maybe I’m longing for a real connection but scared to have one.

Because the ones who pass thru the thorns to help mend my calloused heart – they’re the ones that are covered in scars, wounds, tears from the aftermath. And it overwhelms me.

And so I hide away. My heart most of all in a deep special place. Praying one day the callouses will be removed and that the guards will be let down.

With time.

With love,

Mishy

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