Last Wednesday – on Valentine’s Day I wrote a post from my heart on 14 lessons I personally have learned from my time being single and past relationships.
Being single and dating is definitely not always the most enjoyable but it can be, especially when we are conscious of the mistakes we make and avoid being guilty of them.
I’e had a lot of emotional and positive reactions towards my post this whole week that I wanted to address another topic that hits home with me:
The Mistakes We Make In Dating/Relationships.
- We aren’t present. I’m guilty of this. You’re guilty of this. Stop shaking your head no, and listen. Just because you’re guarded, and you make it “difficult” for potential SO’s to reach you doesn’t mean you’re incapable of having expectations build quickly and high versus focusing on the present situation. I especially will daydream and fantasize what it’s like to date someone, how our relationship will turn out. Which ultimately can only lead to disappointment when your head is constantly in the clouds. It’s important to be present with yourself, your partner and keep levelheaded. When you’ve just met… don’t worry if he’s talking to other girls, and don’t put such a heavy weight on “you two” working out. Relationships are a two way street. It takes both of you to be in it to win it.
- We fail to put in effort. Growing up yes, we did have fairy tales where the man swoops in and saves the day. Now it’s 2018 and a lot of men just want to be taken care of and have forgotten what effort is. NO. BOTH men and women are accountable for putting their own effort in. The bar we hold men accountable to is so low. Relationships can’t be a selfish thing. Your effort of what you put into it, is what you’re going to get out of it. And if it isn’t then usually the one putting the effort in, quits. Try to look out for the other person and show in some way you care. Take the 5 Love Languages test to find out your love language, and have your SO take it too. The top result(s) is how they communicate their love.
- We fail to communicate. Or we miscommunicate. This one’s HUGE. We get so caught up in our world – sometimes because we’re used to being by ourselves, that we forget another person’s feelings and time is also involved. Relationships shouldn’t be a selfish thing. Both parties should be equally giving and receiving. You never truly know how someone’s going to respond, you never know how they’ll feel, and your friends can’t give you all the answers. You just need to do it. Communicate with that person. If plans get caught up and you need to reschedule and you feel bad? Apologize, explain and reschedule. If you’re not interested or you feel that the other person has lost interest, bring it up. The longer you wait, the more weight you add to the other person.
- We rush things. Sometimes it’s hard to hear, but we need to slow down. Yes with modern technology everything’s fast: nudes are exchanged within seconds, a new single can blow up on the EDM charts in minutes, and cars are now flying (thanks to Elon Musk)… but relationships don’t form instantly like Kraft Mac N Cheese or Cup of Noodles (both excellent emergency food options btw). Like a fine wine, they get better with age, and it takes time for it to ripen.
- We have crazy, unrealistic expectations. Men fantasize pornstars. Women fantasize about romantic comedies. And sometimes that can be flipped. Again, stop shaking your head “No I don’t do that” or “No I used to do that”. You do it. Own up to it. And hear me out by this I mean: We EXPECT how the other person should act, and get upset when they do things differently. We forget to take in account that people are people at the end of the day. No one is perfect. We sometimes forget to be more loving, forgiving, and understanding in a relationship. (But also know when they’ve reached your limit…) Sometimes these expectations fathom from our previous relationships where we look for what we then lacked.
- We’re not ready for a relationship. This one’s hard because usually the ones that aren’t ready are in denial about it. If you’ve recently been hurt or haven’t gotten over the one that got away…your heart’s already occupied, and that’s not fair to its next tenant. And true, the immature will say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, but most often – you’ll be left hurt even more. Pace yourself, have a relationship with yourself. Be positive and happy and never stray from who you are. Because in the right relationship you’ll be accepted and loved and cared for the person you truly are. Not the person you are on an app or on social media. The person that makes nuggets at 3am in an oversized shirt, ponytail, no makeup on for their friend who’s hungover and hungry. The person who cries when he/she’s talking about their fears.
- We look in all the wrong places. It’s hard. Because where do we look when everyone and anyone’s busy and everyone and anyone who’s not – is not datable? They say to put yourself out there, but you also need to consider: the type of person you want to attract, where would they be? Would they really be out on a Monday night getting hammered with the “boys” at some ratchet club? Or will they be someone who works at an office near ours, a friend of a friend of a friend’s, at a concert/festival of the same music type we listen to? Are they really regulars at the bar with their same old friends trying to take home girls every week? Or are they hiking? Visiting historical spots? Are they at church praising the Lord?
- We believe we don’t deserve love. They say, we accept the love we deserve. Which is why the broken stay broken. When we don’t truly believe that we are lovable and that we deserve to find and have great love. When we believe that everything’s too good to be true. If you truly believe that – I’m so sorry. I feel for you I really do, because I’ve been there. Crying with my SO at the time because I knew I was pushing him away as our relationship was progressing, because I didn’t believe I deserved it. But that takes a toll on the relationship too. Because when your SO turns into the one that “fixes” or “heals” you – the dynamic is shifted… you’re no longer equals. They almost become your parent. I’m not saying we can’t have insecurities, but we can’t expect someone else to make us accept ourselves with their acceptance for us.
- We give up before anything can even form. He didn’t call? Bye. He texted you one word? Bye. I get it. “Tell him Boy Bye” is yes, an anthem and I’m so excited to see Queen Bey slay it at Coachella…buuuuuuut why why why do we give ourselves such a headache. If someone disappoints you greatly, let it be, communicate. But don’t linger over every little thing. You have to be positive and show love for love to come. Patience my friends…it’s a virtue.
- We over obsess over think over analyze over feel until we’re over it. We really do. And by we I mean me. Haha, I doubt guys really over analyze but sometimes they can be OVER bearing, and controlling until they end up hurting they’re SO really badly. It’s important to find a median. Transitioning from single to dating to a relationship should be smooth… in the sense that you don’t lose the essence of who you are as a human being, but also can incorporate the other person into your life. When we over think with every free second we have – what really do you have to offer to someone despite that you’re available and coming off strong? It’s important we build onto who we are ourselves. Yes you can be someone’s “person” but don’t forget you’re your own person first.
And with that, that’s what I have to share!!! Let me know what you think and what you would add! Til next time my loves,